Is It Too Much To Ask?

That thought gets a lot of use. 

I patiently, doggedly attempt to live by the principles I believe in. To be patient when things don't go my way. To be flexible. To be generous. To be kind and forgiving and merciful. 

To be humble and sacrificial. 

All good things, all good things. I wouldn't even bother with many of them if not for my deep conviction and the background certainty that they are ultimately the only profitable way to live. But sometimes...

I just want to pee by myself.

I just want to finish my show.

I just want to sit down for five minutes.

I just want to eat my dinner in peace.

Is that too much to ask?!

Or how about:

I just want to get on track with the budget.

I just want to get the laundry done.

I just want to not have to cook dinner for once. 

I just want to eat without worrying about what.

Familiar? Probably, especially if you're a mom. 

I remember back when I first found out I was pregnant. I was elated...and petrified. Like, standing shaking in the shower bawling my eyes out petrified. I was healthy, normal, young enough not to have 'older woman' concerns, old enough to have a stable home and finances and future in place. Midddle-of-the-road on all counts, nothing extreme to be the least concerned about really. But I'm kind of paranoid when it comes to things I want intensely. And I loved this baby intensely and was terrified of the power I felt over his little life. That something I'd do or not do could alter his world forever, even kill him. And there was precious little I could do about it. So I stood there in the shower, shaking with terror and mind racing, looking for the guaranteed rock in the storm of my emotions. "Is it too much to ask, for my baby to live? to grow and be happy and not die before I do?" 

Or how about this last week. Sick as a dog, with fever, blinding headaches, nausea and more. Unrelenting symptoms that slowly crippled and halted all my well-laid plans, even my regular life, one by one. Packing my kids off on short notice, all housework of any kind grinding to halt, hours in the ER, even my still-nursing child traumatized by sudden separation. (s'ok, he'll mend) A spinal tap (major ouch), a powerful antibiotic turned new major allergy, a waiting game for results. All while hubby is out of town. Quite the emotional wringer for me. And I prayed through it all, bc my life is not my own, I gave up any say over what happens but still I hope for some things and life and health is top of the list for sure. "Is it too much to ask, for me to live? to regain health and strength to LIVE with my family?"

You know, there are a lot of people for whom the 'Is It Too Much To Ask' question is gut-wrenchingly pitiable.

I just want to eat.

I just want to see my kids.

I just want to not be in pain.

I just want to get up to pee.

I just want to live. 

Is even this too much to ask?

There is a verse (Hebrews 4:15) that talks about Jesus and how there isn't anything we experience in our lives that He did not go through in His life and drink the full measure of. Meaning there's nothing I can feel or deal with that He didn't already do in spades.

I questioned that. Jesus was Perfect. Human yes, but perfect, especially when it comes to being of the Mind of God. He and the Father are One, so if anyone wouldn't have a hard time with getting on board with God's plan-whatever-it-may-entail it would be Jesus, right? And any depravations and frustrations would have been known quantities and therefore easier to bear, right? No offense but are You sure You really know what I'm dealing with?

And this verse (Matthew 26:40) came to memory. 

Here is the Savior of the World, facing down the draught of the vilest blackest sludgiest filth of all of humanity that He knows will bring Him down to the depths of Hell before He's done and He's surrendered. He's sweat BLOOD there's so much tension, but He's surrendered. Sometimes I think the real battle with anything we're afraid of happens first in our minds, and a lot of popular advice will second that. So, by that reason it stands that the only thing worse than the bloody excruciating torture mockery and death He's about to endure, was the mental battle He just fought to get ready to endure it. The real battle for the souls of men happened quietly in a garden. 

And His closest friends, who should've known something was up, fell asleep. Of all things. So natural, so understandable, so forgivable. Yet, it would have been so comforting to know they were standing by in His distress. But no, not even that comfort could be afforded Him by circumstances. "Couldn't you keep watch with me for an hour?" Is it too much to ask for even that?

Did Jesus know the 'is it too much to ask' feeling? Um, yeah, yup, that's convincing enough for me, He did. In spades. And that comforts me. It's always comforting to know My Leader never sends me or asks me to go, where He has not been first Himself and paved the Way. Comforting too, because didn't God take care of Him? In both the most momentous question ("if possible let this cup pass") and the ordinary minuscule ("just stay awake with me for an hour") God cared for Him and His needs. God can do the same with mine. Whether I'm asking for a little more time on earth in His service, or just five minutes of peace to relieve myself uninterrupted, His plan will take care of them all. And He certainly understands how hard it can be. 

Italianesque Spaghetti Sauce

I grew up eating spaghetti every week. Every Monday without fail, it was pasta and hamburger meat and tomato sauce. A simple dish and predictable and not especially my favorite, but of all the cheap quick meals we could afford, it was the most reliably safe bet.

When I was older my parents changed up our food choices, trying to eat healthier and more naturally. My mom started making her own sauce, usually from tomatoes my dad grew in the garden. It was one plant that did really well for us, and I remember in the hey-day growing something like 14 of them just for 'sauce' tomatoes and canning something like 52 quarts of whole peeled tomatoes. I loved seeing all the red glass jars lining the pantry shelf. Food security is a good feeling.

After eating 'pasta and sauce' for sooooo long, when I left home I made it much less frequently. I married an Italian, so it would come up occasionally, but usually I opted for fancier dishes like lasagna or chicken parmesan. 

Then we went to visit my husband's extended family in Syracuse, NY. There I met his great-aunt Phoebe, a delightful woman who grew up 'in the old country'. She had a lovely accent and gentle manners and a home adorned with treasured things from over the years. She made everything from scratch still, and treated us to cake at breakfast and a full-spread table at meal-times. An authentic old-school Hostess. 

Hubby had bragged to me of her fresh-made sauce and I was interested to see what she put in it and how she made it. What was most surprising to me was the inclusion of carrots.  She chopped up onions and garlic, green peppers and mushrooms, and a pound of fresh tomatoes. Herbs and spices and simmered the whole thing for the afternoon. At least I think I remember it that way, I tend to romanticize the past. ;)

The next time I made sauce, I decided to have another go at finding the perfect taste. I included carrots. I didn't use all the other veggies, but I still used onion and garlic and herbs. Sort of a blend from my mother's version with Italian input. And then tweaked to accommodate my family's preferences, such as pureeing everything so as to have a smooth sauce, and straining out the seeds from the tomatoes. 

I now have a reliable, intuitive, basic recipe and method that I follow and it is so perfect for me that spaghetti is quickly regaining it's Once-a-week position and I get positively excited to taste it again. I could eat the sauce by the spoonful. 

Of course, having sun-ripened, home-grown, home-canned, tomatoes is the most key element in this recipe, but I would imagine that good fresh tomatoes would make a decent substitute, and even canned (with little or no salt) would at least be improved.

Ingredients:

1 qt. canned peeled tomatoes (probably about 10-15 med size fresh)

1 onion, about the size of your fist

4-6 cloves of garlic, depending on your taste. I like more.

1/2 carrot, roughly a little less than the onion

1 T butter or olive oil, as you prefer

2 T dried basil (there are varieties of basil, you want one that smells grassy)

1 T dried oregano

pinch of cayenne red pepper (no seeds!)

1/2 t salt to taste (I like more, but start there, it will depend on your other ingredients)

honey to taste (optional, you shouldn't need if the carrot ratio is right)

Here is my method:

In a large iron skillet I put thinly sliced carrot, and oil or butter and cover. I begin to heat it while I peel the onion and garlic, tossing the garlic in whole -or halved if it's large- and the onion cut into 3-4 slices. Cover and steam-sautee until translucent and quite soft, removing the cover for the last minute or so to allow some wetness to evaporate. 

Meanwhile I put the qt. of tomatoes in a blender and puree til smooth. I then pour through a strainer into the sauce pot, usually I have to stir the blend with a spoon a bit to get all the puree through the sieve efficiently. Toss the seeds in the trash. Rinse the blender to remove any remaining seeds. 

When the onion mix is cooked, scrape the pan's contents into the blender. Add the basil and oregano, and some or all of the tomato puree to wet things down a bit. Puree until thoroughly smooth, then pour back into the sauce pot, adding it to any remaining tomato puree. Rinse any goodness left into the sauce pan with a little water, but don't use too much as the sauce is naturally a little soupy and more water will mean more cook time. 

Once the sauce is heated through, add salt and cayenne to taste. I prefer cayenne to black pepper bc I feel it brings out the natural taste better if used in tiny amounts. You may be surprised at the amount of salt it takes to reach deliciousness but it is worth it. Add it in careful amounts and wait for the magic. Use a drizzle of honey if the sauce still has too much tomato tang to it. 

If you want a thicker sauce, you can add canned tomato paste, though I find it compromises the sunny taste of the tomatoes. You could also start a roué with 1 T butter and 1 T flour and add the sauce slowly to that, whisking quickly to break up lumps, in order to thicken it. However, I find that the carrots and veggies thicken it naturally enough if no additional water is added. 

I always add hamburger meat to my sauce, but I make it up separate for my picky little ones. I'm always experimenting with flavors for it, but here is the basic version:

All amounts are approx.

1-2 lbs ground beef 80/20

1/2 t onion powder, 

1   t granulated roast garlic, 

1 T dried parsley, 

Salt & cayenne to taste 

In addition I also sometimes use small amounts of:

paprika

turmeric

ginger

beef base

chicken broth

bacon fat

The more the merrier, in general. :) 

Too Much Milk

"Third time's the charm" is certainly the case with my third baby. This little hunk is already in size 6-9m clothes despite being only just 4m old. He was 9lbs at birth but is already 17lbs - my firstborn didn't weigh that much til nearly 1yr old. 

Breastfeeding the third time around is a lot smoother too. I expected to have zero hiccups, since I had successfully breastfed my previous two in the last two years, despite the first time suffering the steep learning curve and the second time having a newborn in NICU. Yet, I still had a curve, albeit more like relearning how to ride a bike first thing in the summer - a lot faster and a lot of 'oh that's right, this is how that works.'

I am beginning to feel like an 'old salt' mom. I've been encouraging younger first-time moms, despite the fact that I was in their shoes less than 4 years ago. The breastfeeding issue is a sensitive one. Nearly all moms I meet express a desire to do it, surprise with the unexpected difficulties, and a constant pressure to give it up. Whether for their sanity, their babies' weight-gain, or to avoid the public confrontation there is always a good reason available for a discouraged mom who is just done with the effort. I feel for them, it's not easy to choose one thing when you'd prefer another. 

After my experiences though, I really wanted to offer some of my story hoping it could be useful, since I haven't heard it from anyone else. (not that I've looked terribly hard)

The chief fear of mine as a new mom was 'is my baby getting enough to eat?' Doctors measure it in minutes spent nursing, weight-gain, wet diapers. Relaxed grandmothers measure it in swallowing-noises, good latch, baby's contentment. My lactation consultant literally measured it in ounces of milk swallowed. Everyone wants to have a fat-but-not-too-fat, happy, well-sleeping baby. 

So when baby isn't happy, instead is fussy, gassy, doesn't latch well, doesn't nurse long before fussing, doesn't sleep for long, wakes up ravenous and panicky; when mom is exhausted, has painfully tight breasts and painful or unnoticeable let-down, cannot pump much milk, - the conclusion is: baby isn't getting enough. The assumption is: mommy doesn't have enough.

What I didn't know is that TOO MUCH MILK can look like that as well. Here's what happened in my case:

My boobs were full, very VERY full. My babies' mouths are somewhat short, my nipples are somewhat small. (I know, TMI, but it's pertinent) So in order to get a good latch, they had to take in the nipple very far into their mouth. When the milk came in strong they gagged. (Picture trying to suck from a water bottle that has a stream the size of a hose) 

Bc I had so much milk, when let-down happened it would stream out, like a fire-hose for a newborn, but I couldn't see it when they pulled off. Now in order to try to close off the flow so they could swallow, they would shorten the latch so they could pinch the nipple with their tongue. That meant MUCH more painful nursing, and it also chafed the skin raw so that I could hardly stand to nurse them. 

Also, a newborn has to learn how to breath and swallow separately without choking, this means when they gulp milk they usually gulp air. This means that when they get a good latch and my abundant supply pours in, they gulp down air trying to keep up with the milk flow. This causes huge bubble discomfort that makes them not want to nurse until it's taken care of, but it can be so deep that they spit up when it's finally burped, making me think they've had enough. 

The effort can be so exhausting that once their initial hunger is sated, they are content to rest. Since nursing was painful I was only too happy to comply and let my boobs recover. I waited too long and they were once again ravenous and the whole thing went round again. 

Here is what helped me:

Nurse often. The first time, I used a 2 1/2 - 3 hour schedule. The second time I used a 3 hour routine. The third kid I used a 3 hour routine in the beginning to help get the daytime hours set, then nursed him whenever.  Specifically, for the third (that I count as having been the smoothest) I nursed him whenever he 1. woke up 2. fussed 3. seemed sleepy. To set his hours I woke him at 7am to nurse, again at 10am, again at 1pm, again at 4pm again at 7pm, again at 10pm and then let him wake up for the night feeding usually about 4am. 

Use a rocking chair or recline on the couch or bed and lean back. Hold your arms apart from your chest (the natural tendency for me was to clench them in a bit) a bit and in general try to remove all extra pressure on the breast except what baby makes. That gives them more control over the pace of the flow. 

Get fitted for a nipple shield. They aren't expensive, but you need a consultant or doctor to help you choose the right size, as it is dependent on both your nipple size and the baby's mouth size. The advantages are worth the trouble in my opinion: It creates a gap between nipple and mouth which relieves the excess milk pressure allowing baby to take breaks for rest and breath without breaking latch. It teaches baby to latch properly because it only pulls milk from the breast if latched correctly. It helps mama's stress and let down by relieving some of the intensity and helping heal and prevent chafing by both protecting the skin from the tongue and also allowing the nipple to be bathed in the excess milk.

Pump to relieve fullness. Once my milk came in, one boob had plenty of milk for one newborn nursing. That meant the other one would be bursting by the next feeding and too stiff for a good latch and too full for a well-paced flow. So I would pump off the extra until it didn't come so fast and then allow baby to nurse. This was only for the first two weeks or so until he could take the flow and my supply stabilized. 

Go dairy-free. I don't know all the exact details but the gist that I got from my pediatrician is that cow's milk proteins are long and stringy and not easily digested by small baby guts. If you think about how big a calf is (like the size of an elementary school kid) compared to a human baby it makes sense that their milk molecules would also be too big. Regardless of why, my experience was a lot of colicky baby and projectile vomiting baby until I cut dairy from my diet. For my second and third I didn't even bother with a trial, I cut it from the beginning, and never had those issues. But digestive discomfort would immediately follow any time I tried to sneak a piece of cheese or bit of yogurt. Butter and cream seemed okay. For their relief and comfort it was worth it, and being able to know that baby is hungry and not gassy is also very helpful.

Let them de-latch. If you have a slow or painful nurser, or one that likes to trickle off, the temptation is to call 'done' for them. If you have a lot of milk, chances are they will get what they need nursing one boob at a feeding. Also, the first bit of milk (called the 'fore milk') is higher in protein and vitamins, the second bit (called the 'hind milk') is higher in fat content. A hungry baby needs the second bit of milk to be sated for longer. Once they de-latch from one breast, burp them and offer the second. If they need more milk than you have they will trickle nurse at the end getting every last drop and that stimulates your milk supply to grow. 

Give them rest. For the first 3-4 months a baby experiences REM cycle sleep first, instead of the usual light drowsiness the way older children and adults do. That means a sleeping baby can nurse, may have their eyes open, even looking around a bit, wiggle or jerk their body and already be totally asleep. For me I watch for a more regular breath and a 'glassed over' look in their eyes. The key thing in my experience is to do the same repetitive thing, such as nursing, rocking, swinging or singing for about 5-20 min until they seem settled and then put them down to sleep. If they are uncomfortable they will let you know, but if you constantly change up what you're doing or try to over-stimulate them to sleep you're actually more likely to rewake them. An over-stimulated, over-tired baby actually sleeps worse and eats worse than a well-rested baby. 

Best of luck to you, breast-feeding mom. :)